


Strongest Smiles, Saddest Souls

by WordsAblaze



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Feels, Grab your tissues, Hurt Dan Howell, Hurt Phil Lester, I'm so sorry, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Romance, Sad Dan Howell, i hope this never happens, implied depression, implied self harm, implied suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-28 06:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11412162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WordsAblaze/pseuds/WordsAblaze
Summary: The strongest smiles often hide the saddest souls... A Phan oneshot.





	Strongest Smiles, Saddest Souls

**Author's Note:**

> There is implied self harm, cutting, suicide and depression. If this is triggering, please don't read!

I can't believe I didn't see it.

I guess I was too preoccupied with your bubbly nature to notice the cracks in your personality.

I'd never have imagined that you'd do something like this. You're the last person I would assign this fate to, but it wasn't my choice. It wasn't upto me.

How did I miss something like this? How could I have ignored your emotions for so long? How could I have been so self-obsessed that I overlooked something that was tearing you apart from the inside out?

I'm sorry.

I know that I took your cheerful outlook on life for childishness and I know that I assumed you were optimistic because you couldn't feel sadness.

I know that I was wrong.

So wrong.

I shouldn't have assumed that you were fine and I should have asked you if you were okay. I should have made you answer my questions and I shouldn't have let you brush off the problems you were facing.

All those times you were comforting me, helping me find my purpose, were you secretly just as upset as me? All those brave faces you put on, were they pretend? All the warm hugs you gave me and the loving embraces you never ran out of, were you hoping for me to return the gesture?

I'm sorry if I missed that.

I don't think it was just me though. Because all those nights we spent laughing, you were truly happy, a shine in your eyes. You weren't faking that happiness, but you certainly didn't feel as much of it as you were entitled to.

But the comments and the snide remarks must have gotten to you. The small pushes here and there, the joking insults that we told you and the many embarrassing stories that we shared must have meant more to you than you admitted.

We're so sorry.

You should have told us.

You never got a chance to be comforted, always taking on the role of the adult, the responsible one, the rock we lean on. You were our ballast and we didn't think to be yours.

We didn't know that you needed our help too. We didn't know that you were just as badly affected as us. We didn't know that you were slowly crumbling right in front of us. We didn't know that you weren't even the slightest bit invincible.

We didn't know.

You hid it from us, and you hid it well.

But you must have known that you couldn't hide forever.

Is that why you started to become more reserved? Is that why you didn't talk to us about anything to do with you? Is that why you turned the conversation onto us instead of telling us what you were thinking?

I guess we'll never know for sure.

But we found out some of your secrets.

I was the one that found you.

I found you, lying on the floor of our bedroom.

I didn't think much of it at first, thinking that you'd finally gotten round to having a crisis. But when you didn't move and I couldn't see your chest moving, I started to worry.

And when I saw the blood...

I think my heart missed a beat.

Because I finally saw what you'd been hiding.

And I couldn't handle it.

The tears in your skin, the crimson escaping from your veins and the pale, ashen colour of your skin was enough.

I think I went into shock.

I don't really remember what I did.

But I remember what you looked like.

The scars all along your arms that I'd never seen, some ancient and some recent. You'd never told me about them and I'd never have guessed that they were there.

But they were.

I think I called the ambulance. Or maybe I called the police. But, either way, there was enough time for me to try and wake you up.

It didn't work, of course.

You were far beyond life.

But I tried.

I cradled you close to me, your head flopping onto my chest as if you had no bones. You were the most silent I'd ever seen you, limp and unresponsive.

I called for you, I screamed your name and I whispered my apologies. But, for once, you didn't answer me.

I cried.

I let my tears fall as you stayed lifeless, cold and so unlike anything I could ever imagine you to be. I let my eyes overflow as you stayed distant, in a place I could not follow you to.

I cried so hard.

I wept as your blood soaked my clothes and I sobbed as your eyes stayed shut. My tears were abundant, blurring my vision and ruining my chances of seeing you.

But I think that was a good thing. I can still picture you, bright and happy, smiling. I can still picture your smile, the crinkles around your eyes and the way your face would light up.

I don't know who it was that finally pulled me away from you. I know that I refused to let go, clinging to the shell of who you were. Someone took you away and I couldn't feel your skin anymore, the fire of your existance finally dying out.

I remember following you to hospital and watching as the doctors exchanged regretful glances.

I think I still had hope at that point.

I still hoped that it was all a nightmare and that you were absolutely fine. I still hoped that you'd done it by accident, and you were going to recover. I still hoped that you were alive.

But I broke when they told me.

They said you'd been gone for too long, the cuts were too deep and planned. You'd done it as perfectly as you did everything, and I wish you hadn't.

I broke in every way possible, and nothing made sense anymore.

Because my best friend was gone.

And you were never coming back.

Because the very bane of my life had slipped away. Because I hadn't noticed but apparently you were depressed, severely depressed.

Why didn't you tell me? Did you not trust me? Did you want to conquer it all by yourself? Did you think I would judge you? Did you think you had to be more than you could? Did you think that we wouldn't believe you?

I suppose it doesn't matter anymore.

You're gone and you're never coming back.

I didn't see it, I didn't think it and I couldn't do anything to prevent it.

I spent a lot of days wondering what I could have done, what we did wrong and if we could have saved you.

I truly don't know.

You should have seen your family, they were distraught. They couldn't bare to look at your scars, the horrible marks scattered all over your skin. They cried for you, they cried for weeks on end. I don't think they've stopped crying yet. And I'm not sure they will.

And your friends. Didn't you know how many people would miss you? You were adored by everyone you met any you helped so many people, so they all mourned you.

We miss you, we really do.

I am incomplete without you, I can't function.

I can't eat without you making jokes, I can't wake up without you beside me and I can't get out of bed without your alarms. I can't get dressed without asking you if I look okay and I can't watch anything without wanting you beside me so I can make comments that only you'd understand.

I can't go out without you as my support pillar and I can't find a taxi without you with me. I can't get on the bus without you to play games with me and I can't go to our favourite restaurants without you to share my food.

I can't visit our friends without you beside me and I can't visit strangers without your confidence. I can't buy anything without you there to sooth my anxiety and I can't unlock our front door without you there to make fun of my fumbling.

I can't complain about being hungry without you to hear me and I can't try and cook without you to mess something up and laugh with me. I can't go to bed without you throwing a pillow at me and I can't ask you to switch the lights off.

I can't do it without you.

You were my closure.

I can't find peace if you're not with me.

I wanted you to come back. I dreamed about you every time I shut my eyes and I saw things that reminded me of you no matter where I went.

You were a part of me and that part of me died with you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I was such a terrible best friend.

I wish I could turn back time and do things again, pay more attention and listen to you as much as you put up with me.

But I can't.

So I'll have to join you instead.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm sorry.

Please try to forgive me.

Phil, I'm so sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> So, I hope you liked it... Leave a kudos or comment?


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